Tuesday, March 31, 2020

No-Shave November



UPDATE:  I am happy. I am so happy. The beginning of the year was pretty rough. I was in a pretty dark place and I hate the fact that I even have to admit that. It shows weakness, and I was raised to never show your weaknesses because that in turn shows your vulnerability. It's difficult to hide away your emotions and feelings, so why do that? Why hide how you feel, or filter your emotions for other people's benefit? That sounds so ridiculous to me. I have decided to open my heart, my mind, my soul, and let it out. You would not believe how much better I feel, emotionally and mentally. There has been a recent development that might may have a huge effect on this recent change. For three years, I have been alone. Yes...I have dated people, and even have been in a serious relationship but I always knew that it was never going to go further than that. I always knew that nothing had ever compared to the love and care Ian and I shared in our marriage. I have always feared, I would never feel that connection again...to anyone. That is an excruciating assessment. Awful actually. That sadness would be so overwhelming. I believed for over 3 years now that I would forever be alone, in a relationship sort of way. Then suddenly, something happened. Something wonderful happened in the beginning of July. I decided to go out one night with my girlfriends to a benefit for a man suffering from stage 4 cancer. It was at a private bar in which I had never been to before. As I walked in, my friend came to greet me at the door and then escort me to the table they were sitting at. At the table, there were a few individuals I knew and some I didn't know. I sat down, and sitting across from me was a guy. He was very handsome, and then I realized that he looked so familiar and I knew where from. I asked him if he had a brother named Kelton and sure enough, he did. I went to school with his younger brother. Anyways, after introducing myself, we went separate ways because I was actually there to see someone else who was playing in the band for the night. After a while, the mystery guy was back and we began talking. I liked the conversation, his love for music, he was a hard-working farm boy and I also liked that. In his view, after our initial meet, I "blew him off". At the end of the night, and great conversation, I gave him my number. Before I was even home, he text me to say he was happy to have met me and deep down, so was I. A month went by, and after numerous attempts on his part to get together, I finally gave in. I don't know what exactly it was as to why I was not into going out with him, but boy do I regret that. It has been 4 months now, and I cannot even express the love and care I have for this man. He has altered my entire view of love and the full ability that it is possible once again.